Australian Battle

Now here the full story, as finally cleared by Australian
millitary intelligence, can be told.

Location water- and war- front Christmas Island
Australia 30-08-2001

Australia with a proud history of battle, such as
Gallipoli and France during World War 1, the
Kokoda Trail, the Battle of the Coral Sea, Tobruk etc
during WW2 is now covering itself in glory with its
crack special forces unit the SAS.

In a battle which henceforth will go down in the annals
[or possibly anals] of Australian history as:
The Battle of Christmas Island.
It has been sarcastically but wrongly reported in the
world's press with their warped ideas about the meaning
of the word Christmas however as:
The Battle of Cop this Australian Christmas. Island edition.

The Norwegian container ship Tampa which had rescued 400+
refugees from their sinking fishing boat had been refused
entry to an Australian port. The captain expressly ignored
orders not to enter Australian ports and steered his ship
into Australian waters with the weak excuse his ship was
not suitable to go to sea with 400+ refugees on board.
This clearly constituted a severe threat of utmost proportions
to the security and wealth of our entire Australian Nation and
demanded an immediate reponse from our brave and loyal defense forces.

Against overwhelming numbers of unarmed humanitarian
merchant seamen as well as suffering, ill and pregnant refugees,
the SAS fearlessly stormed a defenseless unarmed merchant
ship despite being only lightly armed with machine guns,
fear creating clothing and ditto expressions and some porta loos.
Its only other support was a very poorly equipped National Interest.
They did this even without any covering naval ships gunfire.
The Australian Navy however was held in reserve for tactical reasons
but also to keep the Navy from claiming any credit for what became a
significant SAS victory.
One SAS officer was heard to grumble that the Navy had so far had all
the glory of conquering leaking and sinking fishing boats.
"This will put their naval noses out of joint missing out on such a
magnificent victory and that over a big hostile non -leaking ship as
well", he giggled gleefully.

The SAS successfully secured this important victory by the clever
strategy of getting the guilless Norwegian crew to voluntarily
lower the gangway to allow them on board.
The action was highly successful and no Australian deaths were
reported but several SAS personel were badly hurt by dirty looks
from some of the refugees. One sergeant commented:
"They are armed to the teeth with dirty looks, they just as soon give
you a dirty look POW right between our eyes as look at you normally.
Would you believe even pregnant women and children have been seen to
do that to our heroes". " And all we wanted was a clean and fair
fight" He sighed "It is hell out here".

The enormity of the victory is brought home by the latest figures
of the overwhelming numbers encountered.
Through the unreliability, trickery and treachery of the so-called
humane Norwegian seamen and their sneaky, sneaky counter
intelligence unit, it was thought by our military intelligence that
there were 438 enemy aliens on board. It is now established there
was actually the much vaster amount of 460 suffering refugees
instead of the earlier meant-to-confuse lower figure.

In an aside to me filing this report from the warfront the head of
Australian Obsessive Security said:
"These Norwegians maybe Europeans but we should not ever
forget they are not even Anglos, let alone dinky di."

The SAS personel who made the counting breakthrough are
to be recommended for a Victoria Cross for services to the good name
of Australia as well as counting ability beyond the call of duty and
well beyond their normal capabilities. Two of the five of our best
men who were given this difficult assignment actually made
it through to the final objective now known as Hill 460.

Johnnie Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, courageous despite
being handicapped both in physique and morality, praised the heroic
action of the SAS in a remarkable statesman-like speech and although
hampered by his whining voice manfully tried to sound like Winston
Churchill, Abraham Lincon and Thomas Jefferson rolled into one:

" My fellow Australians .. and also any wogs with voting rights.
The SAS victory has consolidated for my party...ahem..has achieved
for the Nation the gratitude of some disaffected rednecks, who thought
I did not have their interests at heart. These simple, fearful voters
can now see that, even though I may not govern for their personal good
and interests, I stand forthright behind their fears and prejudices. I
will fight for, exploit and milk to the utmost, those unreasonable
emotions.
I will fight for the votes of those who hold these false values to be
true.
Never, let it be said, that one man and my cohorts will not exploit
human suffering to the hilt.
We will nevah accept the defeatist case for individual human suffering
but instead artificially crystallise it into huge amorphous fearful
threats to our way of life.

We warn any traitorous sympathisers in our midst, who are using the
unspeakable weapon called compassion. In fact we say: We spit on your
compassion and we we will use our own fair weapons i.e. our unbearable
spirit of scorn, negativity, meanness and malevolence. We will negate
any sympathy for unfortunate individuals by constantly only referring
to abstract fears of a totality of large hordes thundering to our shores.

We will liberally sow and exploit that old true, tried and trusted weapon
namely the fear of multitudinous faceless hordes bent on conquering
Australia and threatening our way of life. A weapon so powerful that
it has never failed to completely and literally scare the wits out of
the Australian population throughout our entire history. In fact the
only thing which has ever frightened our courageous population.
That and rabbits that is.

Send us your poor and anxious refugees and we will hunt them,
courageously capture them, make them into scarecrows, lock
them up in isolated places and throw the key to justice and
compassion away.

We will fight luckless refugees on the beaches, in the detention
centres, in the courts and on the ships of more civilised countries.
We will hound them in the deserts and the seas. We will sink their
miserable little leaking fishing boats. We will hunt them and board,
if they lower the gangway that is, large peaceful merchant ships from
more civilised but misguided nations, who are maliciously aiding and
abetting refugees from their sinking vessels.
We will fight them in their misery, in their suffering, in their
dysentry and sickness, in pregnancy and hunger strikes while at the
same time self-righteously condemning those countries for the
terrible conditions from which the refugees were forced to flee".

At this stage the Prime Ministers voice broke and was seen to wipe
away large crocodile tears. However he composed himself to end
forcefully:

"We will remorselessly and courageously fight to the last man, the
last woman and the last child of those defenseless suffering refugees
that may struggle to reach our shores".
He raised his voice even louder and bravely shouted:
"One Nation, One Fatherland, One People, One Leader".
"Wogs of any description need not apply".

Then in his fine-print voice:
" Excepting those with previously attained voting rights or highly
skilled applicants with large financial backing and strongly
conservative but preferably reactionary and xenophobic values;
any application queues can be simply ignored by the latter."

In a moving moment the Prime Minister subsequently crossed his
fingers and prayed:
"May the GST pay for any and all of the expenses of our war effort
else I could easily have to reluctantly raise it in the National
Interest. Amen".

The Prime Minister left together with the image of Australia. Both
fading quickly in the limelight of the television cameras and the
entire world opinion.

And well may we say:
In Australia's greatest hour of need may God help him.

PS from me to the afore mentioned.
By the way if You are listening please send a sign.
So far most of the hierarchies of Your representative
churches have so far been quiet either way on this subject.

regards and longing to hear from You and to receive
Your blessings upon Australia's greatest post war victory.

arch/ive/ief (2000 - 2005)